The Mommy Olympics

Much like Michael Phelps, I have been training my whole life for this. I practiced stopping a fasme and kellent as hell crawling baby from eating the dog food while wiping a toddler’s butt by chasing after my hamster, Elway, when ever he got loose from his cage. I trained for dealing with a 5 year old’s messy room by being a messy 5 year old. Late nights holding back the hair of my sorority sisters prepped me for raising a daughter who claims she “is about to throw up” whenever she hears the word bedtime.  I just didn’t realize that in the Mommy Olympics, aka everyday life, there is no medal to be won or podium to pose on–just a stainless steel pot with day-old stuck-on food and a pile of laundry to tackle.

Nonetheless, if there were Mommy Olympics, I know I’d be pretty good at them. And if I was MOB Boss–you know, Boss of the Mommy Olympics Board–I would run a pretty mean set of games.  Here are 10 events you may be training for this very minute.

CAR SEAT TRIATHLON

This is the event of all events. Moms must install a car seat, buckle a screaming child into said car seat, and follow all car seat laws without uttering one curse word and do so in the fastest time.  I would never win this one, but a girl can dream.

NAIL PENTATHON

This game is set up much like gymnastics.  It is a rotation of mini events:

  1. Trimming the nails of a newborn without drawing blood or drawing tears–from either of you.
  2. Trimming the nails of a slippery, post-bath toddler.
  3. Clipping the toenails of a ticklish preschooler.
  4. Picking up the toenails left behind by Dad, which he scattered around his favorite living room chair.
  5. Painting your own toenails with a child–any aged child–present.

All events are scored separately and, like golf, lowest total time for all events wins!

BABY CARRYING

No, this isn’t some pretty synchronized baby wearing waltz.  This is “who can do what and do it best while carrying a baby” down-and-dirty competition. Like tennis, you must win your way to the championship by outplaying your opponent in each round.  The rounds include:

  1. Loading and unloading the washer and dryer before your opponent while holding a 10-pound baby.
  2. Making a complete dinner before your opponent before your opponent while holding a 15-pound baby.
  3. Changing the sheets on a king-sized bed–including the fitted sheet–before your opponent while holding a 20-pound baby.
  4. And the championship round: Getting a toddler dressed for school before your opponent while holding a sleeping baby.

BATH BATTLE

Bath Battle is not convincing your filthy, smelly 3-year old to get in the damn bath before you count to 5.  Bath Battle is giving the same 3-year old a bath with as little spillage/splashing as possible.  The mom with the fewest ounces of water lost from the tub at the conclusion of the event wins.

MOMMY MARATHON

Yes, a marathon–but this one has nothing to do with running.  [collective sighs of relief] Any mom–and I hope there are multiple winners, for all our sakes!–who can go an entire 24-hour period without her child saying “I’m hungry!” gets a gold medal and a glass of Cabernet. And my eternal admiration.

HOUSEHOLD HURDLES

This game is like an obstacle course in familiar territory: your own home! Moms will start in their bedroom and when their iPhone alarm sounds, make their way downstairs, over baby gates,  and around piles of Legos to be the first one to turn on the Keurig, brew, and drink a cup of coffee–without waking anyone in the house! Oh, and did I mention this all happens while carrying a full basket of laundry? Silver medals to all moms who at least brew the coffee but have to drink it cold hours later.

DIAPER DASH

For the Usain Bolt-type moms, this is your event!  Change a baby in the fastest time–but this means new onesie, new diaper, new diaper cream application, AND put socks on the baby. Good luck!  My 9 month old hasn’t worn socks since the temp hit 60 because I just can’t. I just can’t.

KITCHEN CURLING

This event is exactly like it is in the real Olympic event, except your teammates are your kids, the court is your kitchen floor, and you use Swiffer Wet Jets. So, basically, you get a medal just for doing housework.  Yes. 🙂

WATER MARCO POLO

Spend at least 2 hours at the pool with at least two children without losing your sh!t. Not even when one child refuses to reapply sunscreen. Not even when you’ve heard “Mommy! Watch this!” for the 100th time.  Not even when one of your kids may be the reason for the unidentified turd floating in the shallow end. Keep it together and get your kids home before they meltdown, too, and you all get gold medals! Master this event and you are in prime position to enter BEACH BABY BLITZ: it is basically all of the above while keeping a baby from eating any sand while at the beach.

PUNCTUALITY RELAY

In this final game of the Mommy Olympics, you join forces with your best Mommy friends. The goal: you must all be on time to a play date, have a full-stocked diaper bag (No, “Damn, Becca, do you have a diaper Carter’s size?”), and be wearing makeup.  The mom with the fewest kids also has to pick up Starbucks to make it fair. No losers in this game, Moms. Even if you don’t medal, you still get a latte for just getting everyone out the door.

There you have it, Moms–just some of the games to look forward to when I organize the Mommy Olympics. Did I mention you are guaranteed a medal in any event by putting on clean yoga pants before it begins?  #momwin, amiright?!

I hope this gave you a laugh!  Let me know in the comments in which event you would bring home the gold and what other events I should add! I know there are many more real Mom moments worth honoring!

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